


to all the hearts that have been broken before

by PrincessAmericaChavez



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Late Night Conversations, Post-Episode: s02e69 The King's Cage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 12:26:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19441447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessAmericaChavez/pseuds/PrincessAmericaChavez
Summary: And just like that, Fjord returns to reality, to the moorbounder’s leather sit, to the raging sand storm around them, to Jester sitting in front of him and quietly trying to hide the fact that she’s sobbing. Her shoulders shake without making a sound, every so often a hand will come up to clean her cheeks, her tail is wrapped around her right leg like a reassuring hug.Shit.





	to all the hearts that have been broken before

Jester’s crying. She has been for a while, but Fjord is too deep into his own grim thoughts to realize it. 

In his head, all he can see is Yasha’s smile, her cold eyes as she carved into him. Images of the fight mix with older memories, with Sabien and him sharing a quasi-friendly brew the very day he turned on them, his knives sinking into his chest, his amused smile as he blew up everything Fjord had known and cared about. He is angry, with Yasha, with himself —mostly with himself for falling for that shit all over again. He’s been going through this hurricane of emotions for the past three hours when Beau’s voice breaks through, saying they should start looking for a place to bed down for the night. 

“Ja, we don’t know how we’ll be received in the camp, might as well arrive when we’re not tapped out,” Caleb yells over the storm. 

And just like that, Fjord returns to reality, to the moorbounder’s leather sit, to the raging sand storm around them, to Jester sitting in front of him and quietly trying to hide the fact that she’s sobbing. Her shoulders shake without making a sound, every so often a hand will come up to clean her cheeks, her tail is wrapped around her right leg like a reassuring hug. 

Shit. 

As soon as Fjord becomes aware of it, the rest of his troubled thoughts are muffled down with concern. She’s sad. She’s _sobbing._ He needs to do something to fix this, to provide her some comfort even if he feels just as broken himself.

He can’t find the words yet, can’t bring himself to yell over the windy storm, so he waits until they’ve settled inside a cave they were lucky enough to find as the sky grew dark. They dismount, settle their things without talking much and Caleb starts preparing the spell for the magic hut. Fjord wonders, idly, if even that kind of magic would be enough to protect them from that thing if it found them.

Jester sits on the mouth of the cave, eyes set on the storm, as if she expected Yasha to simply appear from the sand. Fjord thinks she might just show up, too, but is not as positive about it. If she found them now, this could be a bloodbath.

With a heavy sigh, he tries to let go of his own worries to focus on what’s truly important at the moment. He walks quietly to the rock where Jester’s sitting and clears his throat, hoping not to startle her. 

“Mind if I sit?” He asks, voice hoarse from lack of use. He feels like he swallowed half the desert.

Jester perks up, cleaning her face with the back of her hand —it doesn’t do much, her tear tracks are now dark with dirt, leaving the evidence of her pain across her skin. She nods and he takes a sit by her side.

“Hey, Jessie.”

“Hi,” she whispers, half-heartedly. No sign of her usual playfulness.

Fjord’s stomach sinks.

“Are you okay?”

“That wasn’t her, Fjord!” Jester snaps, suddenly.

“What?”

“That wasn’t Yasha! It wasn’t our Yasha! We know her!”

“How do we know that, though? What if deep down-”

“She’s our friend, Fjord! She has saved us so many times! And she loves us, I know she does. She wouldn’t just- That wasn’t her.”

“Jester,” Fjord says, tightening his fists on his lap, trying to pick his words carefully, “sometimes the people we knew, they are not who we thought they were. Sometimes, the people you trust just hurt you.”

He can feel Jester shift next to him a little.

“Like Sabien?”

Fjord nods, eyes cast down, trying to suppress the anger boiling inside him. Damn his blood.

“Yasha is not Sabien, Fjord. She is our friend, really, and she would never want to hurt us.”

“I’m just tired,” Fjord admits, shaking his head. “I’m tired of trusting people, of thinking you can rely on someone, for them to just- just turn around and try to kill you. I’m tired of not knowing who to trust.”

There’s a heavy silence in which Fjord feels the pain pulling at his heartstrings. Part of him wants to cry, he feels like a child all over again, but he’s not a child, he’s a man who just made a terrible mistake.

A small warm hand comes to rest over his fist, squeezing it gently. His attention returns to Jester, face puffy and marked by tears, who is looking at him intently.

“You know, you can trust us, Fjord. We are your friends. And we won’t turn on you. Not really, unless we are like mind controlled or something. I wouldn’t.”

Something inside him melts a little. He drops his head again.

“I know. I know, Jester. Thank you.”

And he does know. Everything else right now might be a blur, but he knows that whatever happens, he has at least one person on his side. Jester is always there, always supportive, sure as the sun will rise. What a strange feeling it is, to have that certainty.

“It’s just been a long day,” he offers. He doesn’t want to argue with her, even if they don’t agree.

“Yeah,” she nods. “Are you okay?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” he groans, “just beaten to shit.”

Before he’s even done talking, he feels her touch grow warmer as a wave of magic curses through his body. The pain subsides a little as his wounds begin to close and he breathes out a quiet “thank you” filled with relief.

Jester’s hand tightens around his.

“I… I really thought she was going to kill you,” Jester whispers.

Fjord turns to look at her, meeting her violet eyes.

“Me too,” he admits, thinking back of the horrifying realization that he might not make it out of that room alive.

There’s something different in her expression now, like she’s taking him all in, like she’s also thinking of what could’ve happened back there. Something floats between them, an unspoken word. Fjord’s not sure if the word is his or hers, if they both might be holding back the same thing, he can’t even put a name to it yet, but it’s there. They both know it is. 

“I’m glad you’re okay,” she finally says, breaking the eye contact. She turns back to the sand storm looking tired.

Fjord half expects to see a familiar dark figure emerge from the windy night.

“We’ll find her,” he says softly, a promise he knows he shouldn’t be making. “Whatever’s going on, we’ll figure it out. And if your Yasha is still in there, we’ll bring her back.”

He refrains from saying what will happen if she’s not, if this has been Yasha all along. The idea is too painful to entertain.

“She’s all alone,” Jester whimpers.

He thinks back to the Shepherds, to all three of them caged together trying to survive. At least they weren’t alone, then. He imagines what it would be like if it was him left behind, serving Uk’otoa, nearly killing his friends. The idea makes his insides twist with horror. That would be his worst nightmare come to life.

“We’ll find her,” he repeats with more conviction. 

Jester doesn’t reply. She just leans her head against his shoulder with her eyes still lost on the far away shadows. The contact is welcome and reassuring. His hand turns around inside her grasp to interlace his fingers with hers.

Fjord starts to wonder what it would be like if Jester’d been the one left behind today, but the thought is too painful to even entertain it for more than a second. He takes in a deep breath and closes his eyes.

_Please, Wildmother, let me be wrong. Let Yasha come back to us._


End file.
